10 Steps to Build Healthy Boundaries and Intimacy in Relationships
If we were to base our actions on pop culture, we’d never set boundaries in a relationship. After all, we’re raised on tales of other people “completing” us and then “living happily ever after.” This is not meant to imply that profound, lasting love is not possible. It most certainly is. However, how we create and nurture such a bond is much more than finishing each other’s sentences.
Building boundaries is a crucial component of any healthy relationship. It formalizes the parameters of where one partner ends and the other begins. You may be soul mates but you must also be an autonomous individual at the same time.
Why Relationship Boundaries Are Important
Among many other things:
Boundaries set personal limits
They create a climate of trust and respect
They build balance in your relationship
Boundaries teach us about accountability
Rather than building walls between you and your partner, boundaries strengthen your foundation. Something this important, of course, requires work to create, enforce, and maintain.
10 Steps to Build Healthy Boundaries and Intimacy in Relationships
1. Get An Early Start
Like most anything else, it’s easier to establish boundaries early in a relationship than to wait until trouble arises. That said, boundaries can be built at any time.
2. Understand the Different Kinds of Boundaries
To become adept at setting boundaries, it’s essential you and your partner understand and appreciate that boundaries come in several forms:
Emotional: Each partner has the right to express their emotions and thoughts — and have them all respected.
Intellectual: Each partner has the right to have and express their own beliefs and ideas— and have them all respected.
Physical: This is how to create personal space when needed. It can also relate to sexual boundaries but that will be discussed below.
Time: You have your time and “our” time and it’s necessary to set limits on what that means.
Material: This is focused on your finances, personal possessions, etc.
Communication: See #3 below
3. Define and Refine Your Communication Skills
This entry serves a dual purpose. Firstly, having healthy discussions about boundaries requires strong communication skills. But, in addition, communication boundaries are a thing. Healthy communication is non-negotiable.
4. Appreciate Timing
Conversations about boundaries can be challenging so learn how to read the room! Take breaks when needed.
5. Be Honest and Direct About What You Need
This is not the time for vagueness or self-consciousness. Take time alone to identify your needs and then share them clearly.
6. Listen to Your Partner’s Needs
Conversely, your partner deserves your full attention and respect. Listen carefully and ask for clarifications when needed.
7. Talk About Intimacy
Be sure to include intimacy and sexuality in your boundary-related discussions. Don't take either for granted.
8. Do Not Compete
This is not a contest for who can set the best or most boundaries. Resist the urge to turn such conversations into a competition.
9. Be Respectful
Boundaries can enhance respect but to get to that point, you need to have a respectful conversation about boundaries. You’ll disagree and sometimes feel uncomfortable but never allow that to slip into disrespect.
10. Remain Open
Once you've built boundaries, both of you must enforce and respect them. That said, create an understanding that both of you can revisit and revise your boundaries.
Building Healthy Boundaries Can Be Easier Said Than Done
No one should be expected to casually figure out all of the above on the first try. This is why so many couples opt to connect with a skilled therapist. In the safe space of the therapy room, setting boundaries can become easier and help deepen your bond. Are you ready to embrace this important journey? Reach out to me today and we can explore healthy boundaries through couples therapy.
